Continued from previous blog post…
Over thinking is one of my biggest weaknesses. I am not sure if this is part of depression, however, the simpliest of things can turn into daunting events that seem merely impossible to complete. Anxiety will then kick in as things are not turning out to what I had expected and then it is the vicious cycle of stress, anxiety and feeling I let everyone and myself down begins.
After the big move, I felt more alone than ever. My friends and family were thousands of miles away. However, it wasn’t like I was that close to them which in turn just reminded me how alone I was in the world.
I confided to a HR manager at my job and opened up to her about how I was feeling. She offered me ways to get involved with the community and that it was a great way to meet new people especially since I had just moved across the country. I decided to give it a try. In turn, I did meet new friends and things started looking up. We partied on weekends and I got to experience this new city and what it had to offer.
After a couple of months, I had decided to sign up for a 5 km marathon. I joined the gym to begin training and there it happened! One day I was training by myself. I was running track after track and then I decided to stop and take a break. I sat on the sidelines and rested along side the track. A guy stopped by and introduced himself and we began chatting. That’s when we decided to exchange numbers. We continued texting for a couple of weeks and then decided to have our first date.
He was a gentleman at core and was so different than my previous ex boyfriend. I was very smitten. We had a great first date and things escalted quickly. We began dating very quickly and became boyfriend and girlfriend very fast. Our relationship moved quickly, but this did not bother me one bit. He was the guy of my dreams! For the next 4 months my life appeared amazing. I was happy and was on cloud nine. The honeymoon phase came and went very fast. After the 4 months, I found him being a little distant and of course my overthinking kicked in. I began analyzing his every move and questioned him on everything. If he walked out of the room to take a call, I automatically assumed he was talking with a girl. If he went to the gym after work, I automatically assumed that he was checking out other women. However, the weird part was that these were all things that he did when we were so madly in love, so why was I questioning these things now? I began picking fights with him (not knowing so), and would push him and threaten to end the relationship even if I didn’t mean it. Perhaps, I did this just to see if he would fight to stay with me.
After a few times of doing this, he no longer fought to stay with me. It would be my last time that my idle threat would work. He then left for his shift at work which would last 8 weeks up North. During this time period, we texted a bit. I tried to piece the relationship back together, however, it didn’t seem like he wanted any part of it anymore. I had never felt so much regret in my life and once again, another downward spiral came spewing about. This would be one that would change my life forever.
I began missing work as I couldn’t bring myself to get up in the mornings and go to work. I began pushing away my friends and family away. Although I lived with my sister, I began ignoring her. I began having thoughts whereby I prayed to God that I wanted to sleep and never wake up again. If I wasn’t so chicken, I would have ended my life in a more sudden way. However, I was too chicken to do so. Life was hard and I felt no one else in the world understood me or felt the pain I was feeling at that moment. After a few weeks, I began meeting people online and went on a date. Ironically, after just one date, my ex began texting me and was interested in meeting up. I was so relieved, however, I didn’t want him to know just how much I wanted him so I lied and said that I had started seeing other people. To this day, I am not sure why I did this. Was this a way to again have him prove to me just how much he wanted me? He was upset by the news and didn’t want to meet anymore. Again, I had self sabotaged something by myself for no reason at all. I had no idea why I did the things I did. I want things so badly at times and would do anything to get it, but then when it’s at my fingertips I would do something to ruin it. It seems like my life is filled with moments like this.
The 8 weeks that he was gone had come up and it was time for him to come home. He texted me again and wanted to meet up. He gave me an approximate time of when he would be back home and said he would text me to meet up once he got back. I was so excited and watched the clock tick by. When the time came up, I waited for my phone to light up for a text. Every minute seemed like eternity. After an hour, I decided to call him. Instead of greeting him kindly, I immediately jumped to conclusion and accused him of not calling to let me know he was home because he did not care to see me. He informed me that he was just about to call me and ask to meet up however after how I reacted he never wanted to talk to me again. He hung up and that would be the last time I would hear from him for months.
Today, I sit here and wonder why every time a guy does something that may not be exactly what I would like I automatically assume that it’s because they do not want me. I think I know where it comes from however could it really be? Could small comments from my upbringing really have that much of an impact on my adulthood?
I remember growing up my mother would constantly tell me that she never intended to have me and if she could go back she wouldn’t have had me. She constantly told me this and I remember there was this one time she said it and streams of tears came down my face. After that, every other time I heard it, I reacted different. I remember swearing at her in my head but no words ever came out. Could this be why I automatically always assume that people don’t want me? I will never know. But this was something my therapist had touched on when I went for a brief period of time.
For the next few months, I would go one date after date, with guy after guy. I spent my time trying to search for the next boyfriend. I latched onto any guy that showed me any affection. Then after 7 months, I met someone else and yet again another relationship started. This would be the relationship that I would be the least proud of…