How Powerful Our Past Is On Our Present..

Continued from previous blog post…

Over thinking is one of my biggest weaknesses.  I am not sure if this is part of depression, however, the simpliest of things can turn into daunting events that seem merely impossible to complete.  Anxiety will then kick in as things are not turning out to what I had expected and then it is the vicious cycle of stress, anxiety and feeling I let everyone and myself down begins.

After the big move, I felt more alone than ever.  My friends and family were thousands of miles away.  However, it wasn’t like I was that close to them which in turn just reminded me how alone I was in the world.

I confided to a HR manager at my job and opened up to her about how I was feeling.  She offered me ways to get involved with the community and that it was a great way to meet new people especially since I had just moved across the country.  I decided to give it a try.  In turn, I did meet new friends and things started looking up.  We partied on weekends and I got to experience this new city and what it had to offer.

After a couple of months, I had decided to sign up for a 5 km marathon.  I joined the gym to begin training and there it happened!  One day I was training by myself.  I was running track after track and then I decided to stop and take a break.  I sat on the sidelines and rested along side the track.  A guy stopped by and introduced himself and we began chatting.  That’s when we decided to exchange numbers.  We continued texting for a couple of weeks and then decided to have our first date.

He was a gentleman at core and was so different than my previous ex boyfriend.  I was very smitten.  We had a great first date and things escalted quickly.  We began dating very quickly and became boyfriend and girlfriend very fast.  Our relationship moved quickly, but this did not bother me one bit.  He was the guy of my dreams! For the next 4 months my life appeared amazing.  I was happy and was on cloud nine.  The honeymoon phase came and went very fast.  After the 4 months, I found him being a little distant and of course my overthinking kicked in.  I began analyzing his every move and questioned him on everything.  If he walked out of the room to take a call, I automatically assumed he was talking with a girl.  If he went to the gym after work, I automatically assumed that he was checking out other women.  However, the weird part was that these were all things that he did when we were so madly in love, so why was I questioning these things now? I began picking fights with him (not knowing so), and would push him and threaten to end the relationship even if I didn’t mean it.  Perhaps, I did this just to see if he would fight to stay with me.

After a few times of doing this, he no longer fought to stay with me.  It would be my last time that my idle threat would work.  He then left for his shift at work which would last 8 weeks up North.  During this time period, we texted a bit.  I tried to piece the relationship back together, however, it didn’t seem like he wanted any part of it anymore.  I had never felt so much regret in my life and once again, another downward spiral came spewing about.  This would be one that would change my life forever.

I began missing work as I couldn’t bring myself to get up in the mornings and go to work.  I began pushing away my friends and family away.  Although I lived with my sister, I began ignoring her.  I began having thoughts whereby I prayed to God that I wanted to sleep and never wake up again.  If I wasn’t so chicken, I would have ended my life in a more sudden way.  However, I was too chicken to do so.  Life was hard and I felt no one else in the world understood me or felt the pain I was feeling at that moment.  After a few weeks, I began meeting people online and went on a date.  Ironically, after just one date, my ex began texting me and was interested in meeting up.  I was so relieved, however, I didn’t want him to know just how much I wanted him so I lied and said that I had started seeing other people.  To this day, I am not sure why I did this.  Was this a way to again have him prove to me just how much he wanted me? He was upset by the news and didn’t want to meet anymore.  Again, I had self sabotaged something by myself for no reason at all.  I had no idea why I did the things I did.  I want things so badly at times and would do anything to get it, but then when it’s at my fingertips I would do something to ruin it.  It seems like my life is filled with moments like this.

The 8 weeks that he was gone had come up and it was time for him to come home.  He texted me again and wanted to meet up.  He gave me an approximate time of when he would be back home and said he would text me to meet up once he got back.  I was so excited and watched the clock tick by.  When the time came up, I waited for my phone to light up for a text.  Every minute seemed like eternity.  After an hour, I decided to call him.  Instead of greeting him kindly, I immediately jumped to conclusion and accused him of not calling to let me know he was home because he did not care to see me.  He informed me that he was just about to call me and ask to meet up however after how I reacted he never wanted to talk to me again.  He hung up and that would be the last time I would hear from him for months.

Today, I sit here and wonder why every time a guy does something that may not be exactly what I would like I automatically assume that it’s because they do not want me.  I think I know where it comes from however could it really be?  Could small comments from my upbringing really have that much of an impact on my adulthood?

I remember growing up my mother would constantly tell me that she never intended to have me and if she could go back she wouldn’t have had me.  She constantly told me this and I remember there was this one time she said it and streams of tears came down my face.  After that, every other time I heard it, I reacted different.  I remember swearing at her in my head but no words ever came out.  Could this be why I automatically always assume that people don’t want me?  I will never know.  But this was something my therapist had touched on when I went for a brief period of time.

For the next few months, I would go one date after date, with guy after guy.  I spent my time trying to search for the next boyfriend.  I latched onto any guy that showed me any affection.  Then after 7 months, I met someone else and yet again another relationship started.  This would be the relationship that I would be the least proud of…





The Big Move…

Today is the first day that I am openly talking about my struggles throughout my life.  It is quite scary doing so, however, I have reached a point in my life where I am realizing that I am not alone with my thoughts.  We all struggle through life and have down times.  I have seen a therapist for a short period of time (a long time ago) and was told that I suffered from depression.  I never accepted this diagnosis as I had this idea of what depression looked like and so I pushed it away and continued with life.  Today, at 31 years old, I think I can safely admit that I suffer from depression and decided to open up about my struggles.  Perhaps, this might help me straighten my thoughts out, as most often that not, my thoughts are all over the place.

Throughout my life I have had always been strong.  I was bullied in High School and this was a really hard time in my life.  I struggled with self esteem and constantly wish things were different.  When High School was over, I went to College.  Here, I gained more self esteem as was “happier” as there was no more High School drama.  I believe things really changed when I had my first serious relationship.  This was with a guy that was 7 years older than myself.  When we first start dating, there were definite red flags.  However, I ignored these flags as I was just happy to even be in a relationship and 4 years later it ended.   The relationship was a rollercoaster.  There was constant up and downs.  He belittled me, disrespected me and destroyed me.  We broke up on our 4th year anniversary.  I will always remember that day.

I was laying in bed the night before and thought to myself if I was really going to go through the rest of my life never knowing what true love felt like.  The next day came which was our 4th year anniversary.  We lounged around all morning as we didn’t have any plans to celebrate.  I asked to go for a walk and he came along.  He didn’t even seem to enjoy the walk and so I brought up his discontent during the walk.  Sure enough, this didn’t end well.  We ended up walking separately until we got back to our apartment.  Once we got back, I sat down on the couch and he got up and left.  He returned shortly with papers saying that he had signed for another apartment lease.  I remember a lot of crying and heart ache.  Not to mention, this was all happening while I was studying for the most important exam of my life.  He moved out shortly after and that was when I went into a downward spiral.

I survived off of slices of bread and water for weeks.  My stomach was so hungry, however, if I ate my stomach hurt and if I didn’t eat my stomach would also hurt.  I slept all day and had no energy to do anything.  I barely had energy to walk to the bathroom.  I cried any time that I was awake and then fell asleep from being tired from the crying.  This was going on for weeks.  I had dropped to a mere 80 lbs and was skin and bones.  I stopped studying for my exam as well.

After a few weeks of this, I realized that I needed to at least get back to studying.  I had worked so hard for 4 years to get to this point of writing this exam and needed to pass.  I reached out to my sisters for help and they took me into their homes.  I studied during the day while they worked and cooked me dinner every day.  I was feeling somewhat better when I was at my sister’s place as I didn’t cry as much, as I didn’t want them to see me crying.  This helped as my exam came and after 3 gruelling days, the exam was done and over with.

Now it was time to go back to my life….I went back to my apartment after the spending the summer at my sisters.  I spent the first night at my apartment and sure enough the tears came back again, the sobbing where you’re unable to breathe and my lack of eating.  I needed a change of scenery.  I reached out to my sister who lived in another province and asked if I could stay with her for awhile.  She agreed and within a few weeks I had packed up my life and moved across the country.

I thought it would be full of excitement to start a new life with new people, however, it was nothing like that.  I felt so loney with no friends and this didn’t help me get over the relationship.  I came home from work every day, with no friends and no partner to comfort me or talk to me.  I cried every night in the shower as I didn’t want my sister to hear me crying in the bedroom.  I remember picking up my phone texting my ex boyfriend just to tell him about my day.  At that point, he blew me off every time and barely talked with me.  After about a month, I gave up and stopped texting him.

I began volunteering and attending social events at work.  I made some new friends and things seemed to be looking up…however, when you’re me you will find a way to over think everything and eventually screw things up.



The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Welcome to my blog! I am hesitant on writing about my journey through the years.  However, I have come to a place in my life where self realization and self acceptance has hit me square in the face.  I do not know where to begin, however, I need to do something to get my story out there.  I am sure I am not alone living with these thoughts and battling the emotions that I have battled over the years.  So, here goes….